I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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