Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize