how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
