Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
