Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
