she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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