I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
