idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
