Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
