I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
