we have pet lesbian snakes
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
