Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
