I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
