State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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