I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
