you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
