In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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