Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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