Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
