I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
