I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
No stitches, just platelets and will power
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
