Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
