just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
