i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Randomize
