Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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