You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
