It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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