The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
