I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
