I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
