You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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