Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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