I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
