I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
