I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i out mim tonsoeep
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
