new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just want nice things and good sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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