that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
