I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
