Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
