Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
