there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize