onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
