Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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