There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
