I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
