My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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