My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
