So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize