6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Damn victory sex feels great
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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