She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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