Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize