I wish I could teleport
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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