Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
