i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
