I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
