i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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