tell your sister to shave her snatch
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
sarcasm needs its own font
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Vodka?
Forever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
